Letting go

I am surrounded by beauty, I know this, I feel it, and yet these days it seems I am unable to be present with it all.

I am back with my family after two and half month apart and yet what I crave most is solitude.

I find myself looking for peace alone in a hammock staring into the woods.

I feel the constant hum of nature all around me, and it is there that my soul goes these days.

Arriving back here from Denmark and the time with my father I felt a deep peace, a sense that I had successfully completed a circle with him, and yet now that I know my sister and my mother are sitting at his bedside simply waiting for the last breath to arrive, I feel a ripping at my insides, and an inability to let go of this man that has always been there for me, a rock and a compass always guiding me towards the very best inside myself.

I believe in eternal life, that he will always be with me, within me, all around me, that there really is no separation and still my heart aches and my soul hurts unlike any hurt I have ever felt before.

I realize that I am in the middle of the worst pain right now, that it will move through me and leave me stronger and more alive than before, yet at this moment I am struggling to let go, 

much as my father might be in his bed at this very moment I imagine.

And as I work on my own letting go, I wish for his letting go to be complete, and that this journey be the greatest of all his journeys yet.

~Blessings~

The beauty that surrounds us

Today the cenote was crystal clear, you could see the rock walls, and how there appears to be a cavern or river straight below. Besides the crystal waters, the air was especially clear today and lend an air of

magic to everything.

 Nothing like little fishes nibbling your toes.

Apparently the fishes were nibbling more on Kaleena's rock, so she invited Keenan to come try her rock.

The fishes still did not seem to nibble Keenan's toes

 And finally the pull was too strong and in they went, even though the water is very chilly

 Kaleena made us a beautiful little salad, with everything fresh from the garden

 I started more seeds, how I enjoy to grow things...

 Miguel and I have been putting a lot of love into the immediate area surrounding the raised beds

 Lots and lots of rides in the wheel barrow

I have once again been made acutely aware of the sacrifice that it is

 to live very far away from family I love.

My dad is once again in the hospital, and while his spirits are high, his body appears to be getting tired. 

(You might remember that my dad was diagnosed, about 9 months ago, with a very advanced stage of 

colon cancer that had spread to his liver)

Part of me feels in peace with whatever may happen, and still the thought of not physically

having my dad in my life, not having him be part of the children's growing years, is just too hard.

What will be will be, yet when my thoughts go to him I want them 

to be thoughts of healing and health, of strength and vitality.

It makes me realize how aware I must be in order, that my thoughts do not take me directly into fear.

When my thoughts go to him I pray....and so throughout the day, as I was pulling out rocks, 

amending the soil, planting seeds and seedlings, 

marveling at the light or observing the children, I would pause, 

see him in my minds eye, and feel peace. 

It was helpful for me to bring him to mind in those moments throughout the day, when the surrounding

beauty connected me fully to the present moment.

I feel that these moments of "prayer" bring me closer to him 

and it makes the distance bearable.

So while the emotions involving my dad are intense for me these days, I was able to enjoy a day of work

surrounded by nature.... and be in peace.

It was a gift.....

~Blessings~

Crystal Cenote and a birthday

Yesterday was Kaleena's birthday and we spent the day by a cenote near our house.
This is the first public cenote that I have visited so far, and it was indeed very beautiful.
I look forward to making a monthly excursion to different cenotes in the area and post about them.
We left there very inspired, with many ideas as to how to clean up and make our cenote nicely accessible, how to create little islands in the middle that you 
must swim to and also to create little wetlands on the rocks. We saw that it is indeed possible to have a clear cenote and still keep plants and trees growing inside the water.

The area around the cenote was clean and shady, with a couple of wooden picnic tables, we brought our own BBQ and made food there for Kaleena's birthday, a BBQ that is what she wanted:)
While we were there three people appeared from the depths with tanks. All the cenotes, or at least most of them, are connected through an "underground river" network and 
it is a big attraction around here to dive these underground rivers and caves, and swim from cenote to cenote. 
We believe that we in our cenote will have the possibility of diving through tunnels and caves once we get it cleaned up.
I am not a big fan of tight enclosed spaces, so I will likely skip this attraction, although I hear that it is very beautiful!

The water was completely clear and very fresh, almost reminded me of the danish beaches 
which even in midsummer are never really warm. 
(although the cenotes are mostly fresh water mixed with a little salt sometimes as they open into the ocean along the coast).
Here however these chilly swimming holes are a welcome relief from the scorching summer sun, 
and the public cenotes have the added bonus of being crocodile free, as oppose to our own still not so tame private cenote:)

On the other side of the road, once back in the car or on the bike, there is the entrance to another cenote called Escondido, lost or hidden cenote I think it translates, 
the entry fee for Crystal of 50 pesos covers the entry to Escondido as well. 
This cenote is smaller and less tame and much less visited, in fact no one was there when we arrived and I hear that that is often the case. 
Because our day was interrupted by heavy rains and an onslaught of mosquitos 
we did not swim here, but went just to look, and it is indeed a lovely little cenote, connected by underground caves to Crystal, 
and also crystal clear waters except like yesterday when it rains, or has just rained.

 The cenote Escondido

 So my little big girl turned 8 yesterday, she has been counting down for over a month now and she was very excited for her special day to arrive.

I had not a single homemade gift this year for her. So completely opposite to last year, when every gift I gave to anyone was handmade.

Even the birthday book, which has not yet arrived, was ordered and printed online. 

For some odd reason I could not figure out how to get pictures from my Iphoto onto a disc for printing, it was the oddest thing, 

and therefore ordered a printed book from Apple.

How things change, I calm myself down remembering that this too shall pass, 

and that times will return when I will once again feel peaceful and in a place inspired to make and create beautiful handmade things.

~Blessings~