I am surrounded by beauty, I know this, I feel it, and yet these days it seems I am unable to be present with it all.
I am back with my family after two and half month apart and yet what I crave most is solitude.
I find myself looking for peace alone in a hammock staring into the woods.
I feel the constant hum of nature all around me, and it is there that my soul goes these days.
Arriving back here from Denmark and the time with my father I felt a deep peace, a sense that I had successfully completed a circle with him, and yet now that I know my sister and my mother are sitting at his bedside simply waiting for the last breath to arrive, I feel a ripping at my insides, and an inability to let go of this man that has always been there for me, a rock and a compass always guiding me towards the very best inside myself.
I believe in eternal life, that he will always be with me, within me, all around me, that there really is no separation and still my heart aches and my soul hurts unlike any hurt I have ever felt before.
I realize that I am in the middle of the worst pain right now, that it will move through me and leave me stronger and more alive than before, yet at this moment I am struggling to let go,
much as my father might be in his bed at this very moment I imagine.
And as I work on my own letting go, I wish for his letting go to be complete, and that this journey be the greatest of all his journeys yet.
~Blessings~
...so honest. so beautifully expressed. I feel for you and send you much love and support throughout your difficult journey. oxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and the beautiful pictures. You share much wisdom and I thank you for that. As your father continues on this journey, may you continue to find peace amidst your sorrow. When my mother passed many years ago, I came across an old poem by Rossiter Raymond which gave me comfort. It ends--"And Life is eternal and Love is immortal, and death is only an horizon, and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight." Please know people all over are supporting you in your grief.
DeletePeace and comfort with you during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThe odd thing is that, when a person dies - especially a person who has been a long distance from you for a long time - the world doesn't feel different. You'd think - you drop a stone in a pool and there are ripples, things around the place bob and change. You expect there to be a change in the air, the suddenly closing up of a space. And yet, there is none of this. Our friend, Ken - I find myself still figuring him in to the equation, and am stunned every time I realize that I can't find him on the face of this earth anymore. And then I cry. But then I forget again, because his life was so vibrant in ours, and he's in my memory so strongly, the reality that the future in mortality won't include his laugh or his voice - I don't think I accept it. He's real in the past. He's real in the ultimate future.
ReplyDeleteIt's such an odd feeling. And I think it's very hard for you not to be there. But I also think you are wise, and realize that the pain you are feeling is a great tribute to him. There are plenty of people who die and leave only relief behind them for the people they knew. How tragic.
The pain is yours. The love is yours. He gave you these things - and memories and guidance and perspective and years. They are still yours. They will always be yours. They do not leave when his spirit does.
Feel what you feel.
But don't forget the children. Which, by the flash of colored eggs, I know you haven't.
This passing is an incredible force on your life....my father left this world in Sept of 2010 . Then my 60 yr old brother died suddenly the following April. I know the pain, the pull, the loss. May you find what you need as you need it. No denying that there are days difficult to appear " normal.". In time you will find a new normal. The
ReplyDeleteoh christina, you wrote this so beautifully from your heart - you truly have a gift with words. thank you for sharing your truth with us. may you find peace in everything.
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ReplyDeleteI've been amazed by your photography for some time now. Truly incredible, such a talent you have. Thank you for sharing it and helping us to see the beauty in such simple things that remain unseen by so many. Peace and grace to you, your mother and sister during this very challenging time, may you all remember fondly the man who was father and husband.
ReplyDelete~Robyn
I see that I posted in the wrong place originally. I'll repost in case that kind of thing matters--
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and the beautiful pictures. You share much wisdom and I thank you for that. As your father continues on this journey, may you continue to find peace amidst your sorrow. When my mother passed many years ago, I came across an old poem by Rossiter Raymond which gave me comfort. It ends--"And Life is eternal and Love is immortal, and death is only an horizon, and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight." Please know people all over are supporting you in your grief.
And I'll add that I hope you and yours have a Blessed Easter day.