I am surrounded by beauty, I know this, I feel it, and yet these days it seems I am unable to be present with it all.
I am back with my family after two and half month apart and yet what I crave most is solitude.
I find myself looking for peace alone in a hammock staring into the woods.
I feel the constant hum of nature all around me, and it is there that my soul goes these days.
Arriving back here from Denmark and the time with my father I felt a deep peace, a sense that I had successfully completed a circle with him, and yet now that I know my sister and my mother are sitting at his bedside simply waiting for the last breath to arrive, I feel a ripping at my insides, and an inability to let go of this man that has always been there for me, a rock and a compass always guiding me towards the very best inside myself.
I believe in eternal life, that he will always be with me, within me, all around me, that there really is no separation and still my heart aches and my soul hurts unlike any hurt I have ever felt before.
I realize that I am in the middle of the worst pain right now, that it will move through me and leave me stronger and more alive than before, yet at this moment I am struggling to let go,
much as my father might be in his bed at this very moment I imagine.
And as I work on my own letting go, I wish for his letting go to be complete, and that this journey be the greatest of all his journeys yet.