Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Caribbean beauty

We are now selling our free range eggs to a hotel on the beach each week.
This gives us an obvious beach day opportunity and we have been enjoying
the healing powers of the Caribbean Sea to the fullest.
The beauty, peace and magic of our current lifestyle is making its final impressions on me,
and I am taking it all in, fully realizing how privileged this experience is.


Monday, April 9, 2012

Life goes on

It is amazing to find that life continues, quite without regards for my personal deep sorrow.
My father passed away this past tuesday, and while it is still hard to grasp the fact that I can no longer ask him a question nor hear his voice again, I  feel a deep deep grief.
There is a pain in my heart, a pain that I have never before felt 
and that I sense will now be part of me always. 
 I find myself looking for signs from him all around me and in this regard my awareness is intensified, at the same time though, I feel myself moving around as if in a dream, lost in thoughts and memories...

Life continues.....and I managed to put together a lovely easter celebration for the children and their friend who came to take part in the egg hunt, which Kaleena had decided was to take place in the bunny corral. She and Keenan worked on cleaning up the place all week, planting greens, clearing rock and beautifying the space for the event.
We made wet felted eggs during the week, and the day before easter sunday we dyed, painted, blew and hung eggs.
Sunday morning the children woke to the traditional beautifully decorated easter table, Kaleena's favorite part, and after a decadent breakfast I hid all the painted, woolen and chocolate eggs in the bunny coral.
Finally each child caught their favorite bunny and dressed it with a bow for the special day:)

So as I grieve, it is after all lovely to find that life goes on, and to remember that while I may not hear my fathers voice again, I can feel him in each wind gust. I can remember him when I come upon a perfectly heart shaped rock.
When a bird comes surprisingly close I can feel his presence. When I sit in stillness and when life gets extremely loud I can remember his strength, his appreciation of all that this life has to offer, I take a deep breath and allow his patience and his positive attitude to flow through me and so he continues to be.....


Monday, April 2, 2012

Letting go

I am surrounded by beauty, I know this, I feel it, and yet these days it seems I am unable to be present with it all.
I am back with my family after two and half month apart and yet what I crave most is solitude.
I find myself looking for peace alone in a hammock staring into the woods.
I feel the constant hum of nature all around me, and it is there that my soul goes these days.
Arriving back here from Denmark and the time with my father I felt a deep peace, a sense that I had successfully completed a circle with him, and yet now that I know my sister and my mother are sitting at his bedside simply waiting for the last breath to arrive, I feel a ripping at my insides, and an inability to let go of this man that has always been there for me, a rock and a compass always guiding me towards the very best inside myself.
I believe in eternal life, that he will always be with me, within me, all around me, that there really is no separation and still my heart aches and my soul hurts unlike any hurt I have ever felt before.
I realize that I am in the middle of the worst pain right now, that it will move through me and leave me stronger and more alive than before, yet at this moment I am struggling to let go, 
much as my father might be in his bed at this very moment I imagine.
And as I work on my own letting go, I wish for his letting go to be complete, and that this journey be the greatest of all his journeys yet.